Archive for August, 2010

A Hop and a Skip


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Well, in three more days my oldest will start grade two. I scratch my head in utter confusion not really understanding how that happened.  It seems like yesterday I was an ecstatic (and very sore) first time mother bringing home my little angel with her Keith Richards hairdo.    

What a sweetheart she was (after the first 6 weeks of hell that is).  She slept through the night and for the next two years I really thought I had died and gone to heaven.  She was just that good.  Then she turned three. What is up with that magic number?    

I was not one of those parents who cried when it came time to put my daughter in preschool or see her off for her first day of grade 1.  Nope, not me.  I dropped her off and with a hop and a skip headed back home.  FREEDOM, I thought.   

And this year is no different. I really dreaded summer holidays. Leave my kids alone in a room together for longer than 5 minutes and I’m calling the SWAT team.  So, the thought of summer holidays really had me in a panic.  I was pleasantly surprised come mid July at how well my kids were getting along.  Whew, I thought, this isn’t so bad but the summer was only half over and the tide was yet to turn.   

Yes, along came August.  No longer can I remember the laughter of children playing together.  You see, I’m deaf now.  Somehow in the last month I lost my hearing amongst all the yelling and screaming going on at my place.  I’m sure the neighbours must think we are a batch of crazed lunatics living over here and they wouldn’t be far off!    

The thrill of summer has worn off. The kids are now entirely sick of each other and, honestly?, I’m just a little more than sick of them to.  If I have to break up too many more fights I just might lose my mind, well, that would be if I hadn’t lost it already!  If you happen to see it lying around somewhere would you mind returning it?   

In three more days when I pack up my daughter’s lunch and backpack you’ll find me whistling a happy tune.  I’m going to put her on the bus and head back home with a little hop and a skip.  You know what the best part is? That when she comes home at the end of the day I will have realized how much I really missed her and will be so glad to have her home again……at least until the next morning anyway.   


Foiled Again!

Mental health break !

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Well, today I tried to run away from home.  Oh, I’ve tried before. Once when I was six but I only got as far as the end of driveway.  You see, I wasn’t allowed to cross the street.  The second time I was about 10.  I packed a bag and my favorite stuffy.  There was a great little hideaway amongst a stand of trees across the other side of the park.  My fear of bugs spoiled that one for me.  One flew in my hair scaring me half to death. I don’t think I ever ran home so fast.     

And then today….I’d had it, just plain had it with the “give me’s, get me’s, I want’s”.  From the moment I woke up this morning I heard nothing but whining, complaining, crying, demanding.  I have essentially been a single mother the last 4 weeks (less the every other weekend off perk) with my husband working long and hard to get his project finished.  Luckily, he was home this morning sitting at his computer ignoring the chaos that surrounded us (how do men DO that anyway?).    

Then it happened, I SNAPPED!!! “I can’t take it anymore!!! I did NOT sign up to be a single parent!!” and out the front door I went.  No shoes, no nothing.  Ouching and Ohhing all the way down our very long, gravel driveway.  Yep.  I reached the bottom and stopped.  Now what? No shoes, No car keys, No money.  I guess I could have hitchhiked but there was not a car in sight.  I stood there wishing I at least had somewhere to sit (Note to self:  strategically place bench in front of driveway in the event of further mental breakdowns).    

I could hear the kids out in the yard calling for me and I thought “Damn, foiled again!”.  Yes, they tracked me down.  Can’t I even have a little privacy during a mental breakdown?  There the three of them were running towards me.  Then they were hugging me and my little 3-year-old was saying “Mommy, I don’t want you to go” *sigh*. So, I turned around and walked back home, arm in arm with my little ones.  I guess running away will have to wait for another day.    

A Finger Full of Poo!

... is going to sting a little when he's bring...

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Anybody who has  children knows what I ‘m talking about…a quick check in the diaper and EWWWWW….a FINGER FULL of POO!  Yep.  Stick your finger in anybody else’s business and your likely to get a finger full of poo!  Maybe not as stinky but maybe a whole lot more sticky! But, the question remains. When DO you stick your finger down someone else’s backside? It may not be appropriate but I admit I’d take a peek down Brad Pitt’s back-end any time!  And, when do you just maybe hand them a wet wipe or two? 

What if someone is trying to get into YOUR back-end?? …”hee, hee, Mom, really, I can take care of my own back plumbing” or hang a “Do Not Enter” sign?     

I guess there is the chance that your finger could emerge victoriously clean but there’s always that risk isn’t there? For a finger full of poo.     

It really just boils down to this, if you aren’t prepared to get a finger full a poo, keep your fingers to yourself.    

Awww, C’mon People, its all in Good Fun!

Smile 12 a

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Don’t you think that everybody takes things a little too seriously?  Can’t someone be entitled to a bad day without somebody else saying “hey, it could be better”.  Of course it could be better but when you are in the throes of a bad day the last thing you need is someone trying to diminish or invalidate your feelings.   

Why are we so against expressing ourselves?  I’m all for positivity. Anybody who knows me knows that I am generally a very positive person.  My last boss of 7 years said he’d never seen me have a bad day.  I am a happy person with a good outlook on life.  I like almost everybody…hmmm…come to think of it I can’t off-hand think of anybody that I really, truly dislike (unless I’ve forgotten him….um, I mean them).  But, let’s admit it here, life is life and turd occurs! I have a sarcastic sense of humour and really don’t shy away from conflict.  I believe in spiritual advancement, self-improvement, peace and all that lovey dovey crap.  Really I do! I love Elisabeth Lesser, want to attend a spiritual retreat and hope to someday master the art of meditation.  But, if someone tells me they never have a bad day…well…Bull@#$@!.  And if I’m having a bad day and you tell me to think of those little children in Africa with the flies in their eyes I won’t say it but you can bet I’m thinking of something with an “….  Off” at the end of it. I truly believe that I’m a positive person BECAUSE of my ability to express myself and find humour in my experiences. Nothing stays harboured in this miniscule chest of mine (there just isn’t enough room in there).  I get it out and I’m done with it.  It’s really quite freeing – you should try it.  Starting right here, right now in my comment box!  

I just want to be clear here, I do not mean putting down, criticising or judging others.  I am referring only to my own life, making fun of or complaining about MY experiences.  

So I complain, yep I said it, I complain and I LIKE it!  It’s great to express yourself and c’mon people it’s all in good fun. So relax everybody, enjoy the ride.  Have a glass of wine, or sparkling water and enjoy a little bitchiness now and then.  You’ll walk away feeling like you’ve released those bottled up emotions, connected with someone who understands how you feel and don’t need to feel ashamed because *GASP* you are human with human emotions.  Let the emotions wash over you and then you can be done with them, plant a smile on your face and walk away.  

Why Didn’t Somebody Tell Me?

Confused or disgusted?

Image by San Diego Shooter via Flickr

I have a beef! *Gasp* me? have a beef? Who’da thunk?

Yes, yes I do have a few beefs.  One of them is Why Didn’t Somebody Tell Me?  That’s a very broad beef actually because there are a lot of things I wish somebody would have told me starting from the ripe old age of 12 or so. Oh, we were told the basics. Starting with how that cranky old Mother Nature would be cursing us every month.  Nobody told us though just how annoying over the years she would become and how in later years what a blessing her little monthly gift would be…but that’s for another post… so tune back in for THAT little conversation.  And, we were well-informed as to the basics in the whole sex education thing.  For years though I heard speculations of the big mighty “O” (and I don’t mean Oprah).  “What the heck is that?” I remember thinking and “How do I get one?”  Took me YEARS to figure out what the fuss was all about and then one day WHOA!! And I thought to myself “Why Didn’t Somebody Tell Me??!!”

You grow up in ignorant bliss with the idea that life will turn out to be this wonderous fairytale.  Happy marriage, happy kids, happy life.  Nobody tells you that life is full of curveballs and no matter how hard you plan or organize your life it will likely end up entirely different from what you ever anticipated.  Ah, but I digress.

I remember being pregnant with my daughter and thinking “Why didn’t Somebody tell me?” when I started growing body hair in strange places and had uncontrollable flatulence that no amount bum squeezing could hold off.

Never in a million years did I think my life would entail wiping somebody else’s ass, picking somebody else’s nose and cleaning out somebody’s else’s earwax.  Really, I should have known but it just never really crossed my mind.

Why didn’t somebody tell me that by the time I turned 40 if they stripped me down naked and left me in the woods I could have easily been mistaken for Mrs. Sasquatch? What’s with this hair?

Why didn’t somebody tell me that the little black whiskers on Aunt Edith’s chin (not her real name) weren’t always there? That someday they just might be appearing on my own chiny chin chin?


If there are any more “little surprises” coming my way I really hope that somebody tells me.

Hello, Anybody out There? Can you Hear Me?

'Migrant Mother, Nipomo, California'

Image by National Media Museum via Flickr

Here I am, writing this, my first blog, for the second time after my son pulled the cord out of the computer.  Should I have expected anything else?  I’m quite disappointed as I thought the first one was quite witty and I don’t remember what I wrote! 

Ah well, this is my first foray into the world of blogging and I really don’t have a clue what I’m doing.  I had no intention of starting a blog until, out of complete frustration, I took to the world wide web looking for someone, anyone, who might be talking about motherhood.  More to the point, anyone who might seem to dislike this job called motherhood as much as I do (at least this week anyway) and I found her: Redhead Ranting.  After a couple of emails back and forth and some encouragement and advice from her I decided to give it a go, blogging that is.  Why? because while being a mother is the greatest experience on Earth, the job of motherhood really sucks.  We mothers need a place to vent without judgment from our peers, many of whom want to continue spreading the word that being a mother is the single greatest thing in the universe.  Well, to be honest, some parts of it are just that wonderful.  But those parts can be hard to remember amidst dirty diapers, spilled juice, sibling rivalry, bed wetting, nasty mouths and temper tantrums.  Throw in very little sleep and you  have a crazed, zombie like monster called Mom trying to survive this journey called motherhood. 

So, is anybody out there? can you hear me?

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